Grief and gratitude - my mum’s shocking cancer diagnosis
On the 21st of May 2023, my mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I received the news in Wellington on the Monday morning. It levelled me. My worst nightmare had become a reality, and I was thousands of kilometres away. I had the worst panic attack of my 28 years. To make matters worse, I tested positive for COVID the next day, along with a double ear infection. When it rains it pours, they say.
12 days later I was back in Canada and ready - so I thought - to support my mum in any way possible before her surgery, which had been booked for the 22nd of June. But those first few days were the darkest of my life. I usually find the re-entry challenging in the best of times, transitioning between my Wellington life and identity, and my original home here in the GTA. But this was a whole other level. Being face-to-face with this new reality was horrifying and compounded by the jet-lag and period-week hormones.
But slowly, I improved. In large part this is because of her. My incredibly strong, wise, emotionally intelligent, powerhouse of a mother. You’d expect most people - after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer - to be despondent. I came home to find my mum on a tractor, towing trailer-loads of mulch across her acre property as she prepared to host the final stop on this year’s Royal Botanical Garden tour. She wasn’t going to let this diagnoses or her surgery date prevent her from bringing her dream to life. I knew my mum was resilient but this was truly incredible to see. How could I stay in bed crying when she was out there on fire like that? So I grabbed a shovel.
I’ve learned so much in the past month. A lot about grief. I’ve experienced new, darker forms of anxiety than I ever thought were possible. I’ve been so scared. For the first time in my life, I’ve encountered a problem that I can’t solve. I have no control over this. However, I also learned a lot about the spectrum of emotion and human experience. The most concentrated case of “multiple things can be true at once”. On the day of my mum’s surgery, she said to me: I truly can’t say which emotion outweighs the other; grief or gratitude. And I agree. I am so thankful for the army of people who are supporting our family. We have lost count of the number of people who have been “praying” for my mum, whether through religion or simply “positive vibes”. And I personally have a long list of things to be grateful for, despite this horrible hand we’ve been dealt.
I’m grateful to have had the means to fly home immediately after finding out, and a job who allowed me the flexibility for me to prioritize family
I’m grateful for my mum and Gary’s beautiful home here in Grimsby, and all of our wonderful neighbours checking in on us
I’m grateful for the access to incredible healthcare here in Canada, including my mum’s phenomenal surgical team - probably some of the best in the world
I’m grateful for my incredible partner who has “answered the call” so to speak, and transitioned so gracefully into a very different role in our relationship, as he supports me through this rollercoaster of emotion
I’m grateful for an unbelievable support system of friends and family across the world, most significantly here in Toronto and back in Wellington who support me.
And there have been some beautiful moments recently too. My brother and his (now) fiancé just got engaged and asked me to be the MC (and a bridesmaid)! My best friend, who is in her third year of Med school, was miraculously on rotation at the same hospital where my mum was having her surgery. I can’t articulate how comforting that has been. I got to introduce Taylar to the rest of my Canadian community. And I’ve had the privilege of spending more quality time with my step-dad in the past month than I probably have in the 18 years I’ve known him. Inside jokes and all.
I hope that sharing my experience may serve as a reminder that most of what we see on social media is only a sliver of the full story. Spread kindness. Cherish your loved ones and tell them how you feel. Make space for gratitude every day of your life. And live in the moment, as much as possible, because that’s all we really have.